difficult week made easier

today is another of those days that i’m tremendously grateful for how things are right now with adr & i. it took us quite some time and a lot of hard work (read: heartache) to get to where we are — and i’m lovin’ it!!

here’s why.

this week was a tough one at work. with the limited amount of experience i have, i did the best that i knew how.. and the remainder of the time, i was panicking inside.. utterly unsettled. at the back of my head, i knew i had to stay composed and just deal with the tasks one at a time. at mid-week, when he forgot he had a meeting and cldn’t meet me for dinner (to keep me sane), i kinda lost it. sitting at my work station, i literally wanted to cry. i was upset cos we made arrangements, he didn’t respond when i tried to confirm the meeting the night before, and also cos i actually dressed up for him that day!

i thought to myself that i would spitefully decline to see him if he was gonna reschedule to thursday. but he surprised me greatly — he suggested lunch with me near the office. and boy, was i glad he did. i can’t really explain it but i felt much better when he said he’ll come by for lunch, anywhere and anytime i wanted. we had atas nasi lemak and it was very nice. more than just enjoying food together, his presence and offer to help me with work made me feel less depressed. i love that he responded to my SOS signals without me having to demand it this time. berry naise. :D

we met again tonight and i felt so reassured again. i talked about how i’m panicky (yet again) about my writing assignments, and he rattled off so many ideas, giving me practical handles to tackle this big monster in my mind. i’m sooooo glad i hv an uber creative & experienced writer right next to me whom i can consult. what a gem! i think i’m gonna ride this out alright. hooorahh!

so this is how it’s like to be taken care of. ((:
thanks, love.

growing accustomed

two weeks into the engagement, someone asked me, “so have u gotten used to it? where’s the ring??” to which i saw two ways to interpret the qn.. did he mean getting used to e ring, or getting used to e new status? :P

the sensation of having sth on e finger actually took awhile to get used to. early on, i think some people were literally distracted by the bling. i was conscious about wearing an additional piece of jewellery too. but well, aside from tt – not tt complicated a process. teehee.

psychologically, i guess it boosted my self-esteem that bit – silly as it sounds..can’t deny it. the notion of being “taken n wanted” was positively good. (; yeah, superficial i am. but more than tt, i felt pampered by him all of a sudden. he was certainly treating me a lot nicer – more caring, sweeter, gentler, more tender, more even-tempered.

he’d speak nicely, taking care not to upset/hurt me..he’d initiate meeting up, telling me tt he missed me.. he’d go along w my whims n fancy just to make me happy.. and winner was when he spent time w me shopping (his most dreaded activity) v patiently. he even gave constructive comments as he patiently waited while i tried out clothes!

i fondly remember tt he cooked dinner for us (v delish maggi “upsized”) one Sunday. he put a lot of thought into what usually would have been assembled quickly. he added heibi, HUGE round canned mushrooms, luncheon meat (w marinate process, no less!) and eggs, on top o e instant noodles. i didn’t even lift a finger..i was only flipping through bridal magazines tt night while dinner was being prepared. t’was vaaaaair naise. (:

after tt meal, we read nigella’s cook book together n had so much fun just tagging recipes we wanted to try out. some tender, precious moments were shared that night, and it still makes me smile just thinking abt it. ((:

when we eventually went grocery shopping, we had loads of fun too cos he’d wanted to browse the aisles slowly together! it was NEVA like him to do tt..of cos he claims he doesn’t rem doing the impatient thing to me, and even said tt i was crazy n disobedient for rushing through it and running away from him. :P he is pure cartoon. when it finally came down to the actual cooking, we had loads of laughter and little nonsense tiffs in between.

if i had to sum it all up, i discovered through these few weeks tt i am in v v good hands. certainly, first of all – that God is in control and i’ve nothing to worry. aside from tt, not only hv i grown accustomed to e idea of being engaged, i’ve grown to become more certain about trusting my life n heart to this man. he’s given me peeks n glimpses that assures me this: that being married to him will be a choice that will make me very happy. granted, it’ll not always be peachy. but yes, even then!

though we’ve not fixed a date just yet, i’m already looking forward to it. (oh, but what’s new for ms eager beaver over here. HAHA!)

thankful much.

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quick one before i sleep

it’s been too long since i last wrote. astute observers would see tt this indicates a good month with no woes for me. or nothing fanta-bulous to record. yeah, i’ve gotten lazy to document the little victories or happy blips.. since FB is so much easier. anyways. just a few things i thought i’d scribble down before i snooze for the night..

on friendships
perhaps as a function of ageing and growing up, faced with the need to prioritise all the time, we make choices about people around us too. adr tells me like it’s a fact of life (i assume he’s experienced it enough), that we just need to come to terms with it. i gotta agree, it seems to be true. brutal as it sounds, i can reconcile n deal – i’m pretty sure i’ve done it (too many times) to others too. it’s one thing when the feeling’s mutual. but it’s odd when you discover one day that someone made a decision somewhere down the line that you were not worth their time anymore when u haven’t ever felt that way before. ever.

this signifies the end of an era, perhaps? and funny that i should chance upon this just as i completed the entry.

原来，曾经亲密无间的两个人，会连路人都不如；原来，如此关心爱护的两个人，也会彻底地失去联系。每个人都是孤独的个体，学会坚强，学会勇敢，学会拿的起，就能放的下。感情，会浓，也会变淡。即使有千般不愿，万般不舍，也阻止不了它的离去。删掉一切，却无法删掉那最深的记忆。

on (positive) changes
it just dawned on me tonight that other than more tenderness and quality time spent, he’s lightened up plenty – almost all of a sudden. i smile when i look back. this week, he spoke about doing other stuff together, putting up a “mall ban”.. it’s great ‘cos then we’ll get to know other facets of one another. for a long time, i felt he doesn’t want to do anything else with me. also, much as i complain when he jokes and jabs at me, it’s all good. he cracks jokes abit more, laughs and smiles more, is no longer as closed-up/untouchable. i chuckle inside at how we actually raced up 4 flights of stairs this evening — two grown-ups. hurhur. also, these days, we share resources (read: finances) a little more.. more liberal/less concerned with who-pays-what. i feel as though we’ve eased into something deeper. i’m glad – i’d like to think i’m a positive influence, which i believe really isn’t that far from the truth. haha! but of course, i should hear it from him for it to kinda count.

it’s all good. appreciate deeply what God has blessed us with. (:

idolatry

so yes, it is possible.

and it’s a struggle because it’s not supposed to be like that.

Divine Exchange
Lara Martin

My heart is captivated Lord, by You alone
captured by the awesomeness of You alone
melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
I stand in wonder

I reach to you the one who make the blind can see
who break the chains of sickness with authority
restoring of what was broken
so we may fly again

I live to worship you
I breathe to worship to you
all of my days, your face I’ll seek

For as I worship you
You lead me to that place
To that place of divine exchange

realisation

lest i forget how real God is, i have to document this. yesterday, i think we both realised how much more we shld cherish one another. for the most part, i don’t even dare imagine what could be the worst case scenario. and for once, my lack of creativity is appreciated. there are far too many what-ifs and could-hv-beens, of course all for worse n not better. but i choose to focus on the fact tt God protected and preserved his life.

this is the closest i hv been to losing anyone dear to me. i’ve nv really had a brush w death myself, tho i always imagine things. and this time, adr met w a car accident when i did not expect it.

we were both supposed to be serving in church ytd. but he had to go interview someone for the commemorative book. because it was v hard to get the appointment, he chose to go for e interview instead of sing. i had to stand in for him at communion, also had to deal w auditions myself. all tt was fine, i didn’t even complain inside. (guess i’m a lot stronger than before.) he came in e morning to warm us up n prep us for svc tho. he even surprised me pleasantly by coming by to bid gdbye n kiss me before leaving. and everything went well till after breakfast.

i saw R, adr’s sis, n we had a quick chat. she mentioned adr called him at 9am n she missed e call. wasn’t sure why but i’d stopped worrying abt strange things since dunno when. i went bk to my seat to wait for closing. before i knew it, she came by to tell me tt adr got into a car accident. i was like “what!?” it hadn’t fully sunk in. but i guess e fact tt adr cld still call her helped me not think e worst. she said he’s physically fine but for bruised knees, n only e car was damaged. i tried to screen things out n conc on closing first. he msged me to call him when i can. was so tempted to call him immediately but wld hv been half-hearted conversation when i hv to rush bk in e sanctuary. so i held bk, telling myself tt God’s w him.

finally, when pst iv ended e svc, i rushed to my phone to call him. he even asked me abt e svc n everyth before finally breaking e news. tt’s when i told him tt R had already told me a little. i listened keenly as he described for me in detail what had happened. i was kinda numb at tt pt, cldn’t imagine how it’d hv felt to be e one behind e wheel. i had to wait till much later to see him cos i cld only go after svc n auditions.

essentially, his car skidded when he was gg down PIE towards Tuas, near NP. he skidded, hit a car n started spinning, stopped after he applied handbrakes cos e foot pedal ones didn’t work. by which time, he travelled from lane 1 to rd shoulder n spun 360deg. e other car travelled from lane 2 to 1 n hit e divider n spun 180deg. yet amazingly, neither party was injured. the same can’t be said of e cars tho.

e stupid woman driver was so paranoid n uncooperative tt she forced my darling into standing in e rain n scary lightning! a whole other story abt her but i can’t be bothered.

just when auditions ended, he appeared at our door! boy, was i happy n glad to see him in flesh! he looked n felt fine, behaved fine too. i cld joke abt it only because he was all ok. finally left church for e day. fasterly went home to change n hv lunch w him – tt was at 4+ in e afternoon.

we enjoyed another 6hrs or so tog. it felt so good tt he’s arnd, still fine except for bruises on e knees. kept telling him i’m thankful he’s ok. i thought he was sweeter to me than ever before. for e first time i felt he appreciated e fact tt i was always gonna be there. e look in his eyes, his attitude towards me tt has improved v much over last 6mths..this might just be e peak of things in our rship in e last 2.83yrs.

well, certainly this is an episode we all wish cld hv been avoided. but fact is, no one cld control a vehicle in those circumstances. crazy as it sounds, some good actually came out of this – it brought us closer. (:

PTL!

a good one month

and so, another month has gone by just like that. wheeeeee! no posts indirectly means life has been good. that and it’s been a busy month. tho times when it’s tres bad n busy, i too don’t write.

aniwae. times like today don’t come by v often. it’s a pretty neutral n happy week, n inspiration crept in as i started travelling home.

let’s see..i’ve done not so well at work but picked myself up. there are things i don’t enjoy doing but know tt i hv to, so i persevere. (tt’s my 2011 word, btw!) so, am desensitizing n getting e hang of it.

on e r’ship front, i’ve stopped being impatient n remembered to enjoy/cherish the present. (not tt i don’t yearn anymore.) he is a much less ‘angry’ person these days.. (heh, always make him out to be a monster, huh..?) i love the tenderness i receive, e occasional sweet nothing (tho stated matter of factly, hee!), and e initiative.. (finally i’m nt e only one wanting to meet!). mabbe also because i’ve kept meaningfully busy n happy for me to feel this way. well, whatever the case, it’s been good. (:

in other news, our nation just had e most exciting round of elections yet. and we hv a brand new cabinet. hmmmms. and kor is overseas while i momentarily enjoy e skyline. oh, and mommie was super sweet this wk! she made 算盘子 just cos i asked n immediately ok. gosh. :$

uber blessed. (:

ROARRR

on this very ordinary, uneventful day, i transformed into a klutz in an instant after work. i’m not the most graceful of pple out there but i certainly am not clumsy. God knows what came over me!

while drawing cash at e atm near chinatown complex, i tripped once while exiting the little pavilion. teeny bit embarrassing cos there was a guy waiting in line – he kinda chuckled, i shrugged it off. then i went up to e food centre to buy popiah. on e way out, i dropped my scores on e hawker centre floor. sighhhh. nvmmm. and oh, did i mention, my nalgene bottle strap broke while i crossed e road earlier too. sighhhh.

nairrr mind. then i headed towards maxwell to get tau huay. just then, i realised tt e plastic bag was a lil sticky on e outside. felt a little eeky abt it, so was checking out wh spot was sticky. and before i knew it, i tripped n made a most dramatic attempt to regain balance. 2 big lunges forward in my hush puppies heels and still i cld not get my balance bk. chammmm! i thought to myself gone liao, and then buangggg! ): OUCH.

majorly bruised ego. picked myself up, dusted myself down. a kind soul paused for abit n asked if i was ok. he commented tt many pple hv tripped at tt dangerous spot. i thanked him n said i was fine before walking on. major sighhhhhh! )): how i wish adr was w me. thank God i was wearing leggings n a long top – shielded my knee fr any major grazing as tt was e worst point of contact. (n no zao gng..) suffered some on my left elbow n wrist still, but no blood.

major, major sighhhh. this be v unlike me. sian.

projecting

i took e train today. and i saw this boy, aged approximately 7. somehow i saw so much of adr in this boy tt i started imagining how (good) our kid wld look, how happy i’ll be, and how long more it’ll be before we get there.

silly to the max, but tt’s just me. and i’m still patiently waiting. things hv been wonderful, he’s been rather tender towards me, and i really enjoy tt. sure, there are still tough times aplenty. but i’m optimistic n i actually see the bright sides emerging n surrounding me.

God, thank you.

my sims and i

i said i would post something about being hooked on ‘the sims’.

early this year, i rediscovered my old purchase of ‘the sims 2′. this was when i entertained the thought of buying the newer version, around the Christmas period. i told myself to save that money and play with the version i already had. it’s probably gonna be about the same anyway. why waste the money right? so i did.

after reinstalling it and relearning how to play it, i was quickly hooked (again). i would play late in to the night, make use of any little pockets of time i had to check on them.. and i would even go home early from work just for my Sims! on nights i couldn’t meet/hear from the bf, i consoled myself by immersing myself in the world of the sims. i soon discovered that it was more than just a form of entertainment that kills time. it more than fulfill me superficially. it was scary to say the least.

truth be told, i was living vicariously through this game. what i could not get in real life, i made them happen to the characters. i shan’t go in to detail about what exactly they were, but it revolved around being very successful in life, conscientious, hardworking, productive, etc. all good stuff that i’d wanted myself.

i had used it to fill a void. what i could not receive in real life, i tried to obtain virtually. it’s totally false, but yet it felt good.. even if for that little while. it’s as though at least someone else was able to have that joy.. crazy right? but that was me for a bit (maybe 2 weeks?) a couple of months back. i gradually just stopped playing. i haven’t picked it up since. well, i might play again sometime down the road but i am conscious of not making this same mistake.

the other epiphany that came to me was the fact that i behave so much like the sims do sometimes. this game lets you “play God” right.. i thought it was so funny that it revealed to me how similarly foolish i frequently am. you see.. if left alone, a sim would do whatever it felt like doing. it’s just the way the game is.. artificial intelligence at work, i guess. sometimes it happens because you forget to command it. other times, the command you give just gets ‘dropped’. whatever the reason, the sim ends up doing something else la. however, it’s often not what the sim really needs. it then puts off doing what it really needs till it’s too late. and i’ll be like – what the heck is wrong with you? didn’t i ask you to deal with it earlier?? haha..

also, every sim has an aspiration. kinda like what it’s passionate about and built for. sometimes, they fulfill it and they go on a high. sometimes, they don’t and i’ll try so hard to lead them towards it. doesn’t that sound just like me trying to find my purpose and doing all sorts of rubbish before i finally find my calling? if only i would just listen and heed God’s promptings? hurhur..

well, if nothing else good came out of my time playing this silly game, at least i can say these 3 things struck me. not all wasted after all, huh? :D